Flattened, crushed, torn to pieces! I sobbed to myself. I had turned 40, and the hard hand of time caught up with me. At night I cried, “I do not want to grow old!”
I accidentally found these lines a few days ago in my files.
I remember the moment when I wrote them. Bright spring sun was beating through the window. Energetic Moscow bustled outside my window, echoing to the tenth floor, where I was living.
Quietly sitting on a small couch and looking at the pale blue city sky, I thought about my future — what can I expect in ten years? What will I do? Where will I be and with whom? And, most importantly, how will I look? Will I still be slim and attractive? Back then, 50 seemed to me some kind of unrealistically huge number.
Wow, what pathos! How melodramatic and superficial! I laugh while reading these lines now, and realise how vastly things have changed in my life. I think about myself back then and I understand that I did not ask myself the main question: what kind of soul will I have?
Yesterday, I turned 52 years old. What is different? Everything. I am now happily married, and live in the most beautiful place on earth. With my own hands, I built my life and fulfilled my dreams.
But, the most powerful breakthrough happened unexpectedly to me over the last year. I finally found my soul.
All these years, I was so preoccupied with my career, my appearance and my body that I abandoned my soul. I was always moving, changing countries, places, people, and projects. I was looking so hard for happiness that I never took the time to sit still and look inside me.
I needed to ask important questions of myself, to peel, layer by layer, my outer protective shells. I did not dare to delicately exfoliate my persona until I saw the core of my soul. I was afraid that I would not like what I would see. At the end, I needed to have the bravery to finally look.
We all want to appear younger. We buy all kinds of creams, tonics, lotions and moisturisers; we have our morning and evening rituals.
But why don’t we have morning and evening rituals to work with our souls? We have scrubs and oils for the body, we pamper ourselves with relaxing massages. But do we massage our souls?
With gentle massage, I found something important. My soul was yearning for love, but I did not believe it was possible. To love and be loved.
Now, I know. It is not about perfect hair, fine eyebrows, and appealing lipstick. It is not words, flowers, and gifts. Love comes when someone makes the journey with you.
When a person who cares about you stays with you in a difficult moment. True love, is when you know that they will not leave you, despite your changed appearance. They will be with you no matter what, because they see inside those many layers, and love you because it’s you.